KURT FROST psychotherapy

Tag: personal development

  • Improv & Personal Development

    Improv & Personal Development

    Reading Time: 5 minutes

    The idea of “yes… and…” is a mainstay in improv. It’s also a good attitude to have towards personal development, healing and life in general.

    As I generally understand it, the basic idea for “yes… and…” is that it’s about keeping things moving, not shutting them down with something new or overly clever and different. It is collaborating and sharing and not taking the limelight for oneself. It helps to keep the improv going and to build a more cohesive narrative. A useful tool to help everyone play well with others.

    The exact, nuanced idea of how it works in improv is less important than the general idea of being open to something that we have in front of us and seeing what we can do to work with it which I think is so valuable.

    Sometimes we need to have hard boundaries and close things off. Boundaries are extremely important, but often it’s not so black-and-white. Instead of “No… end of story.”, sometimes we can be open to saying yes to something, but also not sell ourselves out in the process. Maybe we can agree to something for a certain period of time or under specific conditions? Sometimes we can say yes to a person or an idea, but does it mean we have to throw ourselves fully in?

    We can say yes and still have boundaries. 1

    When it comes to working with other humans, relationships don’t need to be all or nothing either. This may seem like a no-brainer, but we often get lost in how we apply it.

    I think that it is easy to get caught up in the extremes of thinking that we need to protect our personal sovereignty if someone does not fully resonate with us. Or that we can be patient, flexible and accommodating, even if it does not resonate or serve us, because we are convinced we can find a way to make things work. You go down either ends of that spectrum of independence-dependence and trouble will be waiting for you.

    I’ve heard relationships described as overlapping circles (Venn diagrams). Some people overlap with us a lot (strong connections) and some very little (weak connections). The degree of the relationship is the area where the two circles overlap.

    Problems seem to come when we think of connecting with someone as a binary interaction of connection-no connection. From that mindset, someone can be great and they fully resonate with you, they “get” you or they are “not right for us” or “bad news”. Again, at the extremes, this is easy to get. Someone who seems so great and then we find out they are also a serial killer is easy to let go of. (I don’t think it has helped Harley Quinn to be so flexible with her undying love for the Joker, in DC Comics.)

    But, what about connections of more marginal relationship overlap? I argue that the marginally overlapping circles of relationships make up a vast majority of the relationships we have. Do they get excluded from regular or larger portions of our lives because they don’t make the cut to be “besties”?

    The other extreme is just as bad. It can be easy to delude ourselves into thinking that we completely connect (overlap) with someone. Though some people do definitely have more in common with us than others, it is certainly quite improbable that we are going to find someone who can meet us so completely. 2 This is most likely happening from a deep desire to want connection (and probably some lacking self-esteem and hurt parts in us) and we will convince ourselves by any means possible that this is good and we can make it work. In this scenario, people can go to great lengths to try to make someone meet all their needs, which actually only ends up showing to the other person how different they really are from you. In this scenario of basically trying to absorb the other, we end up missing the true connection by trying to force a complete one.

    To apply this “yes… and…“ to relating to others is to simply appreciate them for the amount of the relationship that we realistically have with them.

    Life is far more complex than we will ever understand and even though we need limits in order to function well in the world, we don’t need to close ourselves off from many beautiful opportunities, people, etc. when it just might need a little bit more out-of-the-box thinking.

    Like with everything, this idea, this interpretation does not work in all situations and is not even appropriate sometimes. Some things need to have hard and fast boundaries. Some things are generally just bad for you and others. We have to see what is right for ourselves in each situation. The idea I’m trying to put forth is that life is not always about us. Things are not always perfect. You sometimes can’t get what you want (Mick Jagger is not wrong). When the miracles or ideal situations we were imagining don’t seem as readily available to us, maybe it’s time to think what our next best option is. We might need to think about how it’s not all about us. That there are good things that aren’t even within our perspective or even preference.

    Maybe it’s us that will have to develop and change?

    Humans are social creatures and thus most of our problems come out of social environments. Thus, the solutions should also be social. (Again, not everything, but it’s worth consideration.) Life is lonely and limited when we try to be islands unto ourselves. We need personal space and we need those boundaries, but ultimately more connection to the world and others and learning to flow with that is what seems like it would bring us into greater harmony. Even saying the word “harmony“ brings up positive feelings. We can still be us and not be “wasting our time” with others who are “not us”. We can find a great depth of connection with someone, even if there are many things they might not be able or even want to completely share and appreciate with us.

    So, consider saying yes to whatever is important to you, but be ready to consider an important “and“ that maybe you can add to it. Maybe it is me thinking that life is short and we have to make the most of it and all the experiences that it can offer, but that does not seem like a bad thing. The world gets a lot bigger and more fun when we are brave enough to step outside of our personal bubbles or feel the need to drag everything into them.

    1. In his great book The Power of a Positive No, William Ury has the notion of sandwiching a no between two yeses. You need to first stop and think about what you need and want and “say yes to yourself”. You can then set a boundary with some sort of no to support that first yes. Then, only after you have taken the time to fully consider yourself and your needs, you can then engage with someone else to see how you can say yes in a collaborative way with them. ↩
    2. No one can be fully everything to us and this is worth some discussion at another time, as there is more to say.
      Plus, as a wise and dear friend of mine reminds me, “No one wants vanilla all the time.” Different people offer different perspectives of life and it seems a shame to close ourselves off in the hopes of looking for clones of ourselves. ↩
  • Can You Listen to Another’s Heart?

    Can You Listen to Another’s Heart?

    Reading Time: 5 minutes

    I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it working with fears and how they show up in the many parts that make us up (one of my favourite concepts in all of psychology). Fear and the other self-limitations hold us back in far too many ways, on a day-to-day basis. As I keep trying to further hone ways to understand and help others, as well as myself, on this path, more pieces like the following are sure to come out. Let me know what you think.

    We may not know everything about others in our lives, but that’s actually a rabbit hole you must watch out for. We may think that we need to understand or experience or connect with as much of that other as we can and then we will be happy, then we will be able to relax because we think we will know them and feel they are finally connected to us. This path, however, besides sounding endlessly tiring, is ultimately counterproductive to the goals to which it strives.

    I very much understand the impulse to want to know everything. I have an endless curiosity for the world and the people within it. When I meet someone whom I resonate with, it only, therefore, seems natural to want to dig down into the atomic elements to see all the potential awesomeness within. (Bear in mind, this may also be because I’ve taken one too many physics classes in my life. An Engineering Physics education has its apparent limitations.)

    The desire for understanding can also have a dark side. Our fears and anxieties, who’s flames can be fanned by our ruminating mind, will also seek for complete understanding, or as much of that as they can get. The reason for this is that fear is not OK on its own. If it can’t relax into comfort or safety, it is happy to take understanding. Because, by understanding something more fully, our fear believes that it can either, as quickly as possible, get to the good stuff and relax or find out about the bad stuff and employ ways to protect itself or escape.

    We also have to consider that there is another human involved in this affair. They are not to be observed or inspected. If they’ve chosen to want to connect with you, it’s a symbiotic contract. It’s a slow, unfolding of you and them and sharing what you find. Learning from what you don’t understand and if done well and with full awareness, you have an opportunity to learn about yourself in the process.

    To cave to the impulse for more, all and now ruins that fun and is disrespectful to the other. They may have opened up a door for you to walk in, but most likely won’t want you rearranging all their furniture.

    This is entirely overly poetic and metaphorical and I’m sorry, as it is bound to only get worse. (What poetry metaphor can give us, despite its inexact nature and sometimes dramatically increased puke-worthiness is a more effective window into direct experience that straight prose or, God forbid, academic verbiage can never do.) Even though we might not be able to assuage our fears to know everything about another and see who they can be in their entirety, we can know something far more simple and often far more obvious. We can know their heart. (I know, again, I’m sorry.)

    There are many ways to think about one’s heart, but I’m definitely not talking about the ones you can hook up diagnostic equipment to. A heart can be thought of as the emotional core that connects right down to the essence of our being. Because emotions are inherently non-rational, they are excellent, if not naïve indicators of what we feel deeply and what matters.

    Someone may not be in touch with their heart and these emotions and any gleanings from their core may stay covered and hidden away. That’s a reality that all of us have to one extent or another, but we are also very imperfect. We are partly imperfect in that we have many flaws or at least things we are working on that might not be where we would like them.

    But we are also “imperfect” in that we can’t be fully in control of ourselves and be “messed up” consistently all of the time. As much as one might hide their heart and deeper self, for all the best and worst reasons, glimmers of that core are bound to surface, here and there and most definitely in the most unexpected moments. All one has to do is pay attention.

    If you are brave enough to choose the path of listening for and to someone’s heart, you will find that even your fears may relax. For even if you can’t know everything about another and even though this is definitely a practice of vulnerability, you’ve actually been given a gift. By giving up the search for the all, you have settled on the One. All of the many things you can know may give you specifics that may prove fascinating or terrifying. But, even though knowing the heart may lack some of the detailed parts of you may desire in this moment, it has the concentrated truth of who that person is. Knowing the heart is knowing who they are.

    Life and people need to unfold and reveal themselves as they need to. Forcing things, like grasping for a delicate flower, is bound to cause damage and leave you with far less. Paradoxically, listening more, for less, but far more important parts of that other, will be much richer. And, don’t think that you are in this alone. We can all feel when we are heard and understood. Braving your fears and focusing on the quality that is in front of you very well may allow that other’s heart to open even more, revealing parts of them that you and even possibly they were not aware of.

    Your fears may not go quietly though. They are young and don’t understand the wisdom of the heart. They will push for more information so they can mercifully relax. Be patient with them. It is a mindfulness practice to become skilful with letting the fears and sensations arise, seeing them for what they are and then allowing them to settle a bit, for now. By remembering the truths you do have from the other’s heart, of all the goodness, has already been gifted to you. You have all you need.

    There are absolutely no guarantees in life and all this may ultimately not live up to what you thought was written on the label. Maybe you didn’t pay attention enough or didn’t know how to listen more deeply to the other? Maybe the other had ill intentions or was not capable of opening their heart? There isn’t a right or wrong here. There are just perspectives and practises. (Go back to engineering if you want fixed decimal points.) There are ways of doing things so difficultly and painfully that can be given up for ways to relax into an easier life that can be richer and more deeply enjoyed. Not just for yourself, but for you & the other, and all of the other others.

    Stop making things so hard. Listening to your own heart a bit more may give you a waypoint to look for in the sea of voices within that will impulsively will try to steer you off course. I won’t say any more of this better than Franz Kafka:

    You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

    Franz Kafka

    The other’s heart will thank you for it. Just keep being still and listen.

  • Show Don’t Tell

    Reading Time: < 1 minute

    The idea of showing something rather than describing it (“telling”) is one that comes up in writing. It is far more engaging to demonstrate through the actions of the characters and generally, the story, what you mean than to talk about it.

    The same goes for personal development and relationships. Don’t pay lip service to things you are not going to do. You will not build trust and confidence in others if you are someone who “talks a big game” and does not “walk the talk” (to use far too many metaphors).

    Think of ways you live and embody that which you want to achieve and others will see it. They will trust you more because they can see you successfully doing it. It might not be perfect, but even less than perfect action will inspire you and others more than the words.

  • Not Being Normal

    Not Being Normal

    Reading Time: 3 minutes

    I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and we were happily agreeing with each other about how neither of us likes the convention of “normal” and what it often means. But, it got me thinking… The need to do or believe things because that is “what’s done” can be a position of comfort for some, but can drive the more rebellious of us towards pushing away from it. Neither position is really a good thing.

    As life tends to do, serendipity arose the next morning and I read a quote from good, old Alan Watts about pretty much this very thing. In his book, The Way of Zen, he states that,

    To be free from convention is not to spurn it but not to be deceived by it. It is to be able to use it as an instrument instead of being used by it.
    ~ Alan Watts, from The Way of Zen

    Not a new concept for me, but I like how he puts it. The idea is to not get caught in extremes. Don’t reject convention (being “normal”) out of spite, but also strive to be self-aware enough that you are not blind to how you may be caught up in it.

    It’s like the idea of that goldfish in their little fishbowl who does not know anything about water because the water is the “ether” that completely surrounds them. It’s not always so easy to just become aware of the things that we are caught up in. We are deceived or caught up in many things, we just don’t know it yet. They are hidden in the “water” of our awareness.

    It’s only when we can start to notice our blind spots that there is any possibility of taking that subjective position of it being part of who we are and objectifying it into something that we can “hold it at arm’s length”. Keeping a perspective of curiosity about yourself and your life is a good way to start looking for the edges that might already be peeling away from your hidden identities that, as mindfulness teacher, Jon Kabat Zinn is fond of saying, “feels closer than your skin”.

    We all have the right to think and live as we want. However, if you are interested in personal growth and moving past the anchors of your past self, give a thought here and there of how you might be too complacent with your ideas about yourself and the world or how you might be making too much of a habit of being a contrarian.

    If you still wonder if you are seeing yourself clearly or not, try asking someone whom you are close to and trust their opinion. They may very well be able to give you some (kind) feedback about your blind spots or unconscious habits. Sometimes it’s only by how you show up in the world being reflected back to you by others that you can get a more complete picture of who you are. You are not alone, never were. Seemingly paradoxically, you connecting more with others will make you more yourself.

    There is nothing inherently wrong with being the sheep or the rebel, but those are really just facades of you, on some level, posing and living unconsciously. It has much less to do with you than your unconscious self keeps telling you. Learning to question and identify things in your life gives you awareness. Awareness allows you the choice to do what you want. That’s a good thing. We love you only more when you are you on purpose.

  • An ode to you being strong enough…

    Reading Time: < 1 minute

    Invictus

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

    William Ernest Henley – 1849-1903

    Malevolent is one of my favourite podcasts and I love it even more that the brilliant mind and heart behind it, Harlan Guthrie, is a ‘local boy’, from the GTA (Greater Toronto Area). His recitation of Invictus in a recent episode was touching and inspiring. (Thanks Harlan!)

    Sometimes it is just nice to hear that we are going to be OK.

    Though new to me, Invictus is a famous poem that speaks to that “unconquerable soul” that we should never forget about. When you lose touch with this part of yourself, look to another unconquerable, beautiful soul in your life to show you it is possible and inspire you to be better. Keep this in mind when life kicks you in the gut. 😉

  • Failure of Awareness

    Reading Time: 2 minutes

    We tend to focus most on our strengths and things within our awareness. Whatever is the most developed part of ourselves tends to lead our experience through life. E.g. Someone who has a rational, intellectual view of situations will tend to be rewarded for this awareness, because it worked for them, and do it more in the future. This just reinforces that trait and tends to weaken other ones that we may pass over from lack of use. Over time, this helps us to build a toolkit of traits that we identify as “us” but not necessarily all that is open to us.

    The same can be said for our weaknesses. We may know that we do this or that, but if we do not take the time to look into it further, they will keep doing their things below the surface. This is because we are still relying on the objects in our awareness of ourselves and the world as we know it and not the bigger picture of what our and the greater reality is. In short, what we don’t know about ourselves controls us.

    It takes a fairly insightful person to stop and wonder what they might be missing or not understanding. The question is then, how do we become aware of the things we are not aware of? There are many ways to increase awareness, but here are a few thoughts:

    • See what others keep telling you about yourself or complain about you.
      • How others experience us is also not the whole picture, but it is often a perspective we had not considered.
    • See what upsets or emotionally triggers you.
      • If you don’t know why you are emotionally reacting in a certain way, there is most likely a story under the surface that you have not delved deep enough into yet. Even if you think you know why you feel or react in a certain way, there probably are aspects of it that you can unravel more fully.
    • See where you are having problems in your life or what roadblocks seem to keep appearing in front of you.
      • The patterns of conflict and struggle in our lives tend to follow a certain pattern. See if you can tease out what that pattern is and try something different.
    • Meditate
      • Find a practice to inquire into your thoughts. Through continued practice, this is a well-established way to peel away at your layers of self-identification, like an onion.
    • Question everything.
      • Don’t take this to the level of neuroticism or paranoia, but don’t take it for granted that what you believe, what you trust is happening, what is “true”, etc is necessarily the case. Ask questions to yourself and others to see if there are other perspectives that you have not considered.

    Again, this is not a definitive list, but merely a few ideas to consider. A good exercise would be to ask yourself in what ways you could delve a little deeper into yourself. You and those in your world will be happier for it. Let me know what you come up with!

  • Living Inside of the Circle

    Reading Time: 2 minutes

    It is a productivity/personal development cliche by now to talk about focusing on the things that matter most and not to get caught up in the busyness of life. This does not make it any less important or needed though. It is rare to not meet someone and have them lament how crazy busy they are. It is even expected these days; like being part of a stressed out club. People are looking for relief…while frantically running on their hamster wheel.

    Seth Godin was really on point when he said that it is not about “making time” for things that matter; we need to make the things we want to do not optional and put them on the inside of the circle of our time and life. “Inside of the circle” is such a great way to put it. Viktor Frankl once said that it is not the size of the circle of our life that matters, but how well we fill it in. Both are pretty much saying the same thing: fill your day/life with what matters most.

    Like practicing meditation, this may be a simple concept, but not necessarily easy to keep up. It is really just about making a choice when faced with our daily options. Seth noted that we only have to choose once. Only need to decide once that Thursdays at 1 pm is time for lunch with our friend (instead of sitting at our desk) or Mondays at 6 pm is the time to walk (instead of just going home to “do what I always do”). Once this is scheduled, treat it as sacredly as you would a doctor’s appointment or a staff meeting. Inform the people that matter in your life that you are doing it (and possibly to leave you alone while you do “your thing”) and it gets easier after that.

    Living this way is not only less stressful, it is also far more meaningful. It is less stressful, because when the important things are taken care of, the other stuff just seems to matter less. It is more meaningful, because, just like happiness, meaning is a by product of doing the things that matter most to us.

    All sorts of good things happen when we live in ways that create more meaning for ourselves. Research points to things like improved physical and mental health, but because we are focusing on the “big rocks” we will find we move forward in our life more quickly. The point of this is not about “getting ahead” (that route is climbing back on the hamster wheel), it is that when we really focus in on doing what matters to us most – and adding it to inside of the circle of our attention and scheduled life – we become more of who we want to be.

    Think about that the next time you find yourself 30 min deep in scrolling Facebook posts or deciding to watch the next Netflix episode or not….

  • Perfectionism as Laziness

    Reading Time: < 1 minute

    Someone mentioned in a podcast I was listening to this morning that perfectionism can be reframed as laziness. As in I am too lazy to do the hard work involved to get something done.

    Very interesting idea. Perfectionism is often touted as a martyr-ific explanation for how much we care about something. Looking at it as lazy really pops that balloon and, at least for me, makes me realize how selfish it is to live in the constant cycle of processing and never completing.

    There is much more I can give to the world and satisfaction gained by getting things done. Improvement can be made in the next round or project. As Seth Godin puts it, I need to just “ship it”.

  • My Derek Sivers Love

    Reading Time: < 1 minute

    Yeah, I said it, I love Derek Sivers. More specifically, I love the work he does and how he does it. He is a thoughtful, deep thinker, great writer, world traveller, musician, successful businessman…the list goes on.

    What impresses me more than that, though, is that he is not a stereotype of any of those things. He is fairly counter-cultural, in the sense that he supports and uses things because they make sense to him, not because it is “what you do” or popular. I find when I hear or read his work it can challenge me and make me think about it differently. This is important to me and does not happen to me as often as I would like.

    Besides his website, his work can be found in TED Talks and on YouTube. I especially enjoyed his book Anything You Want. He is challenging me more and more lately, though, as he is coming out with new projects that are right in the wheelhouse of what I am aspiring to do myself: he has started blogging more regularly and, just today, I got a newsletter from him that he has started a daily podcast.

    I am looking forward to consuming more from Derek and may post more of the ideas generated from his thoughts going forward.